HIM_

16march2010(0400)

she dreamt of him. AGAIN.. aiya. it sucks. doesn't know if its bcoz he misses her or bcoz she misses him too much. well, most likely, none of da above. huahua~ she cried witout da tears anymo. she cudn;t take it anymo.. she cudn;t take it anymo dat she started to ignore them.

big girls don't cry, they say. yet, she's still dat lil girl dat once upon a time ago became da apple of their eyes. (ha ha, s if) she cudn't even believe in wat she was sayin for she fears dat she was lyin to herself. she cudn't take anymo lies in her life. enough wit them, enough wit their lies. NO MORE!!

life's all dat she needs but lies is all dat she sees_

dA niTe afTer_

14march2010(2305)

da nite after da assembly, da hostel went blackout. all of a sudden it's all in pitch black. huhu.. before da assembly, she went to do her laundry ( in da automatic washin machine since they all had juz got back from da trip to KL.. so, evry1 was in a hurry to wash their clothes... babe, tommorow, we have classes) it only take 5minutes to take da attendance of da trainees.. man, three equations above equals to wat???

da answer wud be her laundry was still in da washin machine and was not even halfdone yet. huhu.. wats more thrilin is dat all of her uniforms were in there. so, she was rilly gamblin now. she wasn't rilly in a gud mud at dat time. she juz won't care anymo. ha ha, her foot.

wit dat thoughts in her head, she went to sleep. there she goes again, cryin herself to sleep, tinkin bout him and him. then don't know for how long, she was gone to da outer space. to another place dat she can call home, Planet ZZZZZzzz...

GET OUT OF HER HEAD_

14march2010 (1400)

Why cudn’t she juz shut them out of her life?? Why cudn’t she juz tell them to get out of head. She knows dat she has gotta get outta dis mess. Man, wat a mess she’s in rite now. Well, nobody knows..

Her friends tried to help her out of it. They have bin helpin a lot, to b exact. They told her stories of their lives, hopin for her to smile again. She smiles, she laughs but deep inside, she knows dat they knew wat she was feelin. She tried to talk bout it. Then again, she juz doesn’t do tell. Well, not anymo.

She wants to go home,

She needs to go home,

She wants to to cry,

She needs to cry.

So wat if they call her a weeper???

She juz doesn’t giv a d***

She cries, she sings,

She dances, she plays football,

She reads books, she even play games in da facebook.

She smiles.

But she juz cudn’t get them out of her head.

She screams, GET OUT OF HER HEAD!!

She knows dat she cudn’t b gud enough for them. Nothin’s gonna make dis rite again, she knows. Well, wat do you say, Ms Know-It-All, she said to herself. She thought bout it a lot. Wat had she done wrong?? There, da list goes on and on.. they moved on wit their lives now. She wonders she’s still there. Is she waitin for them to come back to her??? Not in a million years, she tinks. She’s not hopin to see them anymo. Dis one she knows for sure, she’ll cry. Again. GET OUT OF HER HEAD!!

She loves to watch dis one pict. It’s a pict of her dat she feels like smiling back to her everytime she looks at it. She believes dat she can fly. She feels dat she can touch da sky. She believes dat she can soar up high. She looks so happy in it. She knows dat she wud juz have to spread her wings and then she flies.

They’re happy now, she tinks. She juz doesn’t talk to them anymo.. She feels dat she shud b happy for them now dat they ‘re happy wit their lives now, rite?? They were not happy when they were still wit her, she felt it. She kept tellin herself dat everytin’s gonna b all rite. She has owez been learnin tings by da hard way. Wat diff wud dis time make??

She is tired of cryin everytime she tinks of them. She hates them. Yes, she still hates them till dis moment. They juz don’t know bout it. They juz don’t care. They juz don’t realized it. They walked out on her. They dumped dat lil girl. Man, dat lil girl juz wont grow up. She still is s bad s how they had last saw her. She still is da bad girl they used to know.

She sings:

I don’t know if I can yell any louder

How many times have I kicked you outta here

I could be mean when I wanna be

I’m capable of really anything

I can cut you into pieces

When my heart is broken…

So, juz GET OUT OF HER HEAD!!

wHy??

wHy??

She misses him

She misses them

They were a part of her

They are still a part of her life

She misses them

She really misses them

But she can’t understand it

She can’t take it

She just can’t face it

She know she was a bad girl

She still is

She knows what she did was wrong

She only knows that now.

NOW.

Why didn’t they right her when they know what she was doing was wrong??

Why instead of righting her, they choose to walk away.

They chose to walk away.

WHY??

Why with all capital letters.

Why did they leave her??

Why did they walk away from her??

How could they rather see her this way??

Ooppss, her bad, she said. They couldn’t see her now.

They couldn’t see her at all.

She was invisible

She’s still invisible to them.

They used to be her heroes.

They used to tuck her in to sleep

Not anymore.

No more, he said.

No more, they said.

No more.

She can’t help it

She kept saying that everything’s going to be all right for her

All right for them

She kept telling herself that she want to forgive them.

She really wants to let them go.

Let them really leave her.

To leave her mind.

She’s tired of all of this. She’s tired.

She’s just a lil girl.

OnCe UpOn a TiMe agO_

Once upon a time ago, there was a lil’ girl in this wide wild world. This is a story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world. Born in Borneo island, where there were once a village, once upon a time ago. A weeper, they said. Even though they had never seen her cryin’ out front in the open. She wouldn’t let them. She won’t let it show, either. When she looked so sweet in the photographs, God knows how she feels inside.

She’s already used to being called a stubborn girl. It runs in family, she said. She wonders herself, her family said she used to be a talkative girl. Well, once upon a time ago. How come she doesn’t talk that much anymore?? She’s still wonderin, though.

She wOndeRs_

She wOndeRs_

Sometimes,

she feels down.

She is just a drop in the ocean, she thinks.

She is just a number in the population. She is just a lil’ girl in this wide world.

How will other people see her??

How will she survive??

No one to tell her how.

She feels down.

She just doesn’t show it.

Sometimes,

She feels disappointed.

Why do the ones that she loves let her down??

How could them do that to her??

She wonders.

Doesn’t she worth their love??

She wonders.

Doesn’t she worth the fight??

Why won’t they fight for her??

She’s still fightin.

Out there.

Alone.

On her own.

Where are they when she needed them??

She wonders.